Jim Chapman

If you are a male with a non-hugging background, learning to hug another man does not come easy. Yet, in this new millennium, we are called upon, on occasion, to hug a man.

Reared in the non-hugging tradition, I appreciate the non-huggers plight. Now, my family would hug in some instances, such as if you survived a shipwreck together or won a big lottery. Otherwise, keep your hands occupied, preferably on a swing blade or broom or some equally useful device.

I love to watch non-huggers and huggers collide. There's something unique about the body language. Huggers just glide right into a hug, while non-huggers flinch and make awkward lunges.

Having studied the process, it seems to me that there are certain unspoken rules. So I'd like to suggest some hugging "do's" and "don'ts."

First, when approaching the man hug alignment, it's good to say something sort of rough and tumble, such as "You ol' buzzard!"

The main thing is keeping the hug brief. It is fitting at this time to give three quick pats on the back, somewhat heartily, to signify that the man hug is coming to a close.

This is a signal to the hugee to prepare to back away to the required three feet buffer.

Now, if inspired, you may clap a fellow on the shoulder or feign a rabbit punch to the belly at this time.

I have observed that when one woman hugs another, it's fitting to say something such as "That's a cute outfit." This is not acceptable in the man hug. Nor is asking anything personal, such as asking as if GasX is still working its magic.

Keep it vague. Keep it brief.

I called the wise Fezman, as he is a known reformed non-hugger who has made great progress in the art of the man hug. Still, he struggles with his past.

"After the hug, sometimes you get the 'one arm around the tree trunk' hug where they squeeze you," he said.

This, though marginal, prolongs the hug in an acceptable way to show additional affection. And this is a good time to crack a joke. "When did that beard turn gray, you got a squirrel living on your chin, ol' boy?"

Two non-hugging men bring a cumbersome quality to the table, though ultimately they may make pretty fair man-huggers if the spirit moves them. They are trying to overcome a lifetime of thinking one way and every false start is a brave foray into a new world.

The man hug problem is not new, although the '90s brought it into full light.

The golden moment for the awkward man hug dates to the 1970s when Sammy Davis Jr. suddenly hugged President Nixon. Davis was obviously far more at ease with a hug than Nixon, who grimaced as if teetering on the edge of a cesspool.

The president clearly needed some man hug therapy.

There are different levels of hugging. Some even end a hug with a personalized flourish. I have a friend from New York and she kisses both cheeks when hugging. (Which is rather pleasant and always encouraged.) Yet, I halfway fear her husband, when he goes for the hug, might have the habit, too. "Hold your horses. Let's just be friends," I tell him.

If need be, I will do the hug. I may not like it or be good at it. But so be it.

We must embrace the future to survive.

Jim Chapman is a syndicated columnist based in Gainesville. E-mail: jim@vardeman.com.

Originally published Sunday, August 6, 2006