Jim Chapman

One of the joys of column-writing is that you get to peek behind the curtain at things you wouldn't normally see. For instance, just the other day I was catching up with my old buddy, Jake, who's in the enforcement profession. Now, he has seen some "thangs."

He recently busted up a campsite where the campers were pretty boozed up. He explained that drinking was not allowed in the park and asked them to pour out their drinks, which they did.

But they didn't figure that included the 11 cases of beer in the back of the truck! Why did three people even have 11 cases of beer for a weekend trip? he asked.

"Tomorrow's Sunday," said one camper. No matter, the beer couldn't stay in the park, he told them.

This brought on a fair amount of grumbling. They definitely couldn't bear pouring it out. Finally, they packed up and prepared to leave. Then one of the men eased over to Jake.

"Now look here. You've been square dealing with me," croaked the man. "I want to thank you. You're alright." Then he had a request: "Will you promise not to call the law when we get on the road? I don't need another D.U.I." Another camper said it was fine by her that they were being evicted; she hadn't had a bath in four days anyway.

Another night Jake came upon a vacant vehicle by the water's edge. After some looking, he found a pile of clothing. Searching the shoreline, he saw nothing.

Then, scanning out in the water, he saw what looked like a bald head floating in the water facing away from him. With his flashlight, Jake studied the head.

"Sir?" Jake called out. "This is not a swimming area, I'll have to ask you to come out."

A singsong voice answered back, saying they were just "taking a bath." Then she came out of the water, a sturdy girl with a shaved head. Jake lowered the light, out of courtesy (out of something, anyway.)

"Hold that light up so I can get dressed," she told him. "You got undressed without it, I reckon you can get dressed without it, too," he replied.

A sense of humor is vital on the job. Like the other day when Jake stopped by a friend's house and pulled his leg a bit.

"Get in the car," Jake told the fellow. "What's happening?" asked the excited man.

"There's a campsite full of naked women up the road and I've got to shut it down," he said. "I need you to ride over there with me ... as a witness."

The man eagerly started walking toward the car in a way that only a sworn-in lawman going to see a campsite full of naked women can do.

"Oh, no! He ain't going!" announced the man's wife. "Yeah, I'll ride with you," corrected the man.

And sometimes you run into the same problem. Blame it on the moonlight, the lapping waves or the old Narvel Felts song playing softly on the truck radio. Couples get a little carried away. Sometimes their clothes turn up missing.

Most of the time the excuse is the same. They were "just talking." Which brings me to the point: Since the moonlight brings on such talking, couples counselors might consider driving troubled couples out to a park and dropping them off. There, Jake would make a good counselor. All he has to do is shine a light on the problem.

Then they'll talk.

Jim Chapman is a syndicated columnist based in Gainesville. E-mail: jim@vardeman.com.

Originally published Sunday, April 30, 2006