Jim Chapman

I picked up a used cowboy hat for $2 at the Potter's House, one of those hats shaped like a giant taco shell.

You don't just pick up a hat like that and go walking, I learned. Wearing a big hat is akin to driving a big vehicle: You have to allow for clearance. Otherwise, you hit every doorjamb, wind chime and light fixture around.

And that knocks the hat from its stylish perch on the head, which kills the smooth cowboy image instantly. It'd be the same difference if James Bond accidentally cut the cheese while throwing dice at the casino.

A hat has its own atmosphere, independent of the person who's wearing it. Put on a western hat and you bring in the flavor of old El Paso. Yet, each hat requires a certain individual flair to radiate its full glory. John Wayne, for instance, wore a cowboy hat better than, say, Boy George might.

Which brings me to the point: Some people can wear any hat and look cool while others look foolish, no matter the hat. Judging from the wife's smirk, apparently I fall into the latter category.

She suggests that the hat might best be worn "just around the house."

"Out West they'll pistol whip you for laughing at a man's hat," I tell her solemnly, which only turns her laughter into unrepentant snorts.

I've seen men decide to take on wearing a hat out of the blue, often to draw hoots. Sure, it depends on the hat. It's tough for anyone to wear a plaid sports-car hat.

Especially a middle-age man in his second childhood who drives a convertible and unbuttons his shirt to show off his gold chains.

Fedora-style hats are tricky to pull off, too. While they offer that "Old World" charm, a fellow can appear a bit made-up if he's not careful.

Little children are often tempted to shoot paper daubs through a straw at such a hat.

But back to the cowboy hat. A hat like this says "Sure, I sit at a desk most of the time, am pot-bellied and pale-skinned, but for all you know I'm breaking horses by evening." Basically, it's applying the "X" factor.

I saw a coonskin cap in a store at a roadside stand and tried to get one of my friends, a 50-year-old, to try it on. He wanted to, I could see it in his eyes, yet he knew that few would give respect to grown man wearing such a hat.

Some hats will not allow any credence.

Back in the '70s, for instance, there was a fad for big floppy hats made of macrame yarn and beer can tin. The drawback was the can's sharp edges that presented a problem if two people were scuffling, as they are wont to do in Georgia hamlets, especially after a bout of malt liquor and slap boxing.

Maybe they need a school that teaches how to handle a hat. You'd go to this school for a few weeks and then receive a certificate. During training, though, you'd wear a plastic cone that says "Student hat wearer."

That way, other experienced hat wearers would know to give you a little more room in the turns. "Oh boy," they'd say. "Look out, here comes a rookie."

And sure enough, I am. I've hit everything possible with the hat, enough to look like a dork a dozen times over.

And hey, that's 11 times more than normal.

Jim Chapman, a Lula native, is a columnist for Morris Multimedia. E-mail: jchapman@gainesvilletimes.com.

Originally published Sunday, June 12, 2005